Episode 209 | Torn ACL? How to Process Your ACL Injury

What is up y’all and we are going to go straight into the episode today, a little bit more in the fields. I hope you’re ready for this. But we’re talking about 40 milliseconds. That’s how long it takes in less than 40 milliseconds for your life to be changed by this ACL injury. Maybe the next few weeks, months, year, if not years or longer, it could change forever. 

In all honesty, I’ve seen this injury do that to a number of people. It could be for the positive; it could allso be for the negative. And the goal here isn’t to sugarcoat this episode. If you’re coming for the warm fuzzies episode, this is not it, but we’re going to get real with this episode. Because I think it’s one that I’m surprised I haven’t done, to be completely honest. There’s one that I feel just inclined to do with just some recent conversations and talking to athletes and consulting different folks that I think there will be some value in this. I want to dive into this because this can really change someone’s life and it sounds dramatic, but it is real. 

I know many of you listening, feel this in your bones. Literally, you feel like your life has changed. Especially if you’re going through the ins and outs of this process, it probably does feel like it’s going to take forever or you may never get there. And there are people who don’t get there and there could be a number of reasons why. I hate to say it, but a lot of times it could be connected to some healthcare experiences or maybe misinformation. Or it could be because of compliance or it could be because of just the knee was not tolerating exactly how this rehab was going and the surgery itself. But with that said, it can be a very impactful injury and potentially a surgery. 

What I wanted to do was create the episode I wish I had when I tore my ACL. This is the immediate after tearing the ACL. It’s not talking about your next steps. This is what you need to do. This is talking about just being okay to grieve for a second, to have a minute to embrace the loss and the situation that you’re in now. And this can apply honestly, to a number of big injuries that happen to people, Achilles, it could be rotator cuff stuff, it could be some back stuff that people deal with, it could be some sort of other tendon-based issue. But ACL obviously falls into this and of course, this is the ACL Athlete Podcast, so we were talking the ACLs. 

It’s okay when an injury happens to embrace that for a second and just make space for it, especially if this is your first ACL. You’re processing a lot of information and you are also processing just what are these next steps and what do I need to do. But you’re really just trying to process. That’s the main thing that happens. And coming back to even my ACLs, how I went through it and thinking about these situations. It’s so interesting to think about my first ACL tear versus my second ACL tear. And my first one, I didn’t know what the heck happened. I was in high school. Imade a cut. I felt a pop. I fell to the ground. I thought my knee just gave out or I had some sort of Charlie horse. I knew my knee shifted out of place, but I was like this is weird, man. I tried to stand up and jog it off and I couldn’t really stand, or I couldn’t really walk on it. I knew something wasn’t right and then I had to hobble off to the sidelines. It was a football game that I was in. 

In that moment, I was like, man, what is happening? And of course, I’m younger so processing things is not as simple or the same as being in college or especially as where I am now. In that moment, I’m like, man, I just need to get back in the game. I’m trying to prove something here. I’m trying to prove something to myself, to my friends, to my coaches, to the people watching, to all the workout I put in. But essentially the athletic trainer told me my ACL was torn. And let the flow of frustration set in because I knew that was a season ending thing. I was frustrated and upset. And I was just like, I don’t know how to process this. I don’t even know what the next steps are. I don’t know what this entails. And so that felt a little different, especially being in high school and knowing the summer was coming up. I’m just not even thinking about next steps, really. 

But then you fast forward to my second ACL, I know it’s totally different, man. I was in college. I was getting ready for trying to apply to grad schools. I was moving around campus a lot and working. And so this had a huge impact on my lifestyle. I think about also being the second ACL, I’m more familiar with training. I’m starting to get into PT information a little bit deeper. At this point, I’m like, man, I’ve had my second ACL and that one hit me a lot harder. It was a longer journey. Not to mention my healthcare situation, my insurance was in a much worse place out of $10,000 (out-of-pocket max). For my insurance and my deductible is so high. I was like, man, am I even going to pay for this? Because I knew I needed to have surgery again. It was just very different going through a second ACL injury through this process immediately after what were the thoughts that went through my head? Honestly, one of the things that was tough was like, man, could I have done something different? That’s the main thing that went through my head. And the second ACL especially was like, could I have done something different? Or were there some signs that I needed to look out for that I could have just been like, man, I could have avoided this and avoided this process of dealing with the physical pain, the mental. Just like exhaustion that was to come to think about really having surgery, money, thinking about being a student, thinking about navigating the day-to-day, thinking about what I’m going to do for rehab and pay for it, thinking about all of these different components that really set in on the second one. It felt just honestly really exhausting. I also didn’t have as much help because I didn’t have my parents or my brother or anyone else around to be able to help assist me immediately in the moment. I had to rely on friends to be able to help assist me, at least in the moment. And luckily, I did have some amazing friends who helped me, but it’s just a little different when it’s not family. And so it’s just different y’’all. 

What I want to share here, and I’ll kind of share some pieces of my own story through this where it applies. What I want to make sure is that there is space for this, and I don’t think it needs to be this hyper-focused like ACL torn, moved to the next thing, next thing…. and don’t make it this transactional process. There is a lot of mental components to it and just processing in general. What I want to talk through is actually the five stages of grief. I know we hear about this more when people are dealing with loss and grief itself. This is a grieving process, this is not just some sort of pain issue that will resolve in four weeks. A lot of times people don’t really know what’s ahead of them. They really don’t. If you’ve torn it for the second time, then you probably do. But if this is your first ACL injury, you don’t know what’s ahead of you. And sometimes there’s the beauty in, you don’t know what you don’t know. But then that can also be a double-edged sword of maybe just not taking this seriously or just not understanding how long it’s going to be. But with that said, like understanding these stages of grief. 

I remember going through all of them: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With denial, you’re denying it happened. You’re in that shock, you’re processing it. I remember feeling that, especially with my first and second one. The second one, especially hit a lot harder for me just because I was like, no, not again. And it sucked. This is just the raw giving it to you guys real of what I was experiencing in this process. And so that happened. I knew in my gut, I knew my bones, I knew it was torn. But I was just hoping whenever I had the Lachman test done, and then I get the MRI that there’s something, some sort of glimmer of hope that there was no tear—and it was torn. 

It was just the way the cards were dealt—I tore my ACL. And then after that I was angered, I was frustrated, I was just pissed about it. I was like, man, how do I let this happen again? I could have done something different. And that’s where the bargaining piece comes in, is like replaying how it could have been different. Maybe I could have been able to do things a little bit better, moved a little bit better, trained a little bit better. It just done all these things to just try and play cards with the universe, if you will, of being able to process this grieving and then the depression sets in. You’re like, all right, I am here and you feel overwhelmed. You feel helpless. I remember feeling this and this second one where there was just this just down feeling. I was like, man, I got to do this all over again. And it was exhausting. I didn’t have as much support or resources from financial or rehab-based or any of those pieces. It just felt like a harder mountain to climb, especially the second one. I know that that also makes it feel like, man, am I actually going to get back to doing what I want to do one time? Maybe two? I just felt in the moment, man, I might need to rethink some things. 

The last piece was acceptance. Just knowing that this has happened, knowing I’ve been here before, knowing I can do it again and processing through those pieces, exploring the options, getting a game plan in place and moving on. And while it still felt disjointed because I was younger, I was still able to have a better plan in place for my second one. And yeah, I was able to rehab through and do all the right things and take things into my own hands as well, because I was moving into a more performance-based role and understanding strength and conditioning, understanding the rehab processes. I was in a better place to rehab the knee for my second one. But with that said, it didn’t necessarily make the process of the tear and everything easier. If anything, the second one made it harder. 

I tell people this all the time, just because you tear it a second time doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re just going to be able to fly through it again, it could be a completely different experience. If any of you have torn it twice, you could probably agree to this is that you can’t just assume that it’s going to be the same process. It’s crazy how many athletes tell us someone who’s coming on to a second ACL and rehabbing it. It is something where they’re like, I had a completely different experience, either is way easier and maybe a lot harder. No knee is the same, even within the same knee itself with an ACL. It’s going to be a little different because the procedures are different. The knee has been impacted differently. It’s just a different process. 

I just want to share this today because this stuff is real y’all and there’s no reason to sugar coat the process and know that you’re not immune to this either. You’re going to go through this process. You’re going to go through these stages of grief. You might move through some faster than others. But it’s okay. I just talked to someone who just tore their ACL. We were talking through some of this stuff. And they felt not only the physical pain, they couldn’t literally move their knee very much because of the pain and just the acuteness of the injury. But also just the general overwhelm of this process. What to do? Scared of messing it up currently, thinking that something’s going to go wrong. You guys remember that. You injured your knee and you’re like scared to move it because you’re just like, I don’t know what to do. Am I going to mess something up worse? You freeze up and you wait until you get some professional guidance on it. You’re wondering who to see should you have surgery, what graft to get, rehabbing the options, what does that look like, the timing of surgery and rehab, work,having kids, all those things play into this stuff. That is crazy how much you have to factor in to deciding all this stuff and that’s overwhelming. It’s overwhelming for someone who’s done it once, twice, three times. And it’s challenging. I’m just letting you guys know this was something very recent with an athlete that we just had this conversation this past week about. I laid out a roadmap. But I also said, let’s give this a second, give it some more time to process, focus on the next step, just the next step and then we can go from there. We don’t need to have every single thing cleanly pulled, laid out and done and figured it out. We can get there. But also I give this the space it needs and what your brain needs and what your body and your emotions need, because it’s a lot. 

I just wanted to do this podcast episode and be real with y’all about how I felt, how I know athletes in this space feel and the challenges that can come with this. I think the biggest takeaway here is just to give yourself space and to process it. I promise you that’ll be a healthy way for you to be able to move forward and game plan this thing overall. 

I think the other thing too is to have just trusted people, a support system in your corner and building a really solid, vetted ACL team. If you can do those things, you will be in an amazing place. I guarantee you every step of the way will feel better and better because you’re with the right people, the right support, the right guidance. And anytime you do feel like you’re coming back to one of these places of grief, well, you’ve got the people in your corner to help support you and to process through all that and have confidence in that. 

I hope that this was helpful y’’all. It felt like it was a very much needed episode to do just in recent light of some conversations, some feelings, all the things. But if you have any questions or need some help, any resources, we’re here for you guys. You can reach out to me via email. You have my information in the show notes. You can visit the website. We’re here for you. Until next time team, this is your host, Ravi Patel, signing off.